backdrifter

everybody's gotta die some time

2008-07-08T21:01:00.007+08:00

we have moved. for the seventh time in this life~

edit/

ok ok here's where im hiding:
blog-gypsy

HIATUS

2008-06-29T03:38:00.002+08:00

2008-06-28T22:20:00.002+08:00

how do get rid of a pain from something you cant see?

besides..you know. the old method.

tomorrow's the last day

2008-06-26T17:30:00.002+08:00

i just got my final pay and its flatter than my cat's tummy.

my thousands of applications had better pay off.. the thought of my school fees are making me feel...concave.

2008-06-25T13:27:00.001+08:00

[Chorus]
I know you thought your life was goin be easy
When you didn't call you found that you where wrong
I know you thought your life was goin be easy
You thought you had it all but you found that you were wrong

See maybe there was something wrong
And you weren't telling me no
See maybe the laugh's on me
And life was telling me a joke

At which point you realize
Life is but a joke and the laughs on you
That's funny right

2008-06-23T11:01:00.002+08:00

sorry i finally decided that post was too depressing so it had to go
and that means ur comment had to go too, hayl
hahahhaha
thanks though :)

2008-06-21T22:06:00.001+08:00

_{Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

But Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you}

2008-06-21T14:58:00.002+08:00

yesterday i got warded for some viral infection shit, left work at 5 cause i couldnt take the pain any longer
they also said i had really low blood pressure and my heart was beating super fast they wanted me to stay longer but i requested to go home cause it was so @@%#! cold and boring in the A&E isolation ward

my parents cancelled their trip today even though they've paid for it, and i feel really bad cause i'm quite ok already.

this coming week will be my final week in Advent.
why am i dreading it even though i am counting down (with much anticipation) to my last day??

i hope i've some luck with a job replacement.
be back with more updates/

ps: happy birthday hayl. All grown up :)))))

Hanie turns 2

2008-06-18T21:36:00.003+08:00

Happy birthday my darling niny!
i love you so~~~~~ :')

<3 (x infinty)

outdated

2008-06-11T20:53:00.008+08:00

ok i know i missed out a post for our 32nd.

its alright.

on monday i went home at 8.30pm feeling like shit, and woke up the following morning with a 39.9degree temperature that dehydrated every drop of fluid/saliva in my mouth. i wonder why this wasnt the case for my mucous? its not that thick you know. its so..runny

there were so many things going on with my body that, suffice to say, i really thought only a night at the hospital could do me some good. i couldnt even get up, much less to walk, but in the end, i managed to get myself a 2day mc and some meds from the cheap clinic across street, without collapsing in the middle of the road, clinging onto my mum like a monkey and face and limbs turning pale with every step i take.. and i'm not being mean by calling it cheap but the stuffs there are really.. cheap hahaha. i mean i got 8 different medicines and it only cost me 29bucks inclusive mc.

on other news i took some lozenges that officially wiped out the functions of my tastebuds and now everything i try to consume tastes like the godforsaken plain water. even orange juice and mentos! bloody %#!%$@&

today even though im still recovering i managed to tug myself to school to pay my heartbreaking fees for my first semester and i felt my insides tear as the word "approved" appeared after i punched in my savings account number at the payment counter. now, i'm officially back to square one.

i was also offered wellpaying job at NUSS graduate school which i had to reject because it clashes with my school schedule. cant things get any worse?

my sim card has also decided to retire and now i have to divert all calls to my house phone. no wonder i havent received any calls for jobs this whole week after months of sending out applications.

i want to say a line or two about the new girl at work but i think i should just keep my mouth shut. ive got a week left woohoo i'm still thinking if i should get my lovely colleagues some gifts.

:)
i'm seriously gonna miss them, they really have made a lot of difference in my life even though its only for less than a year that i worked there. its so great to have girl friends like these :)

and for our 32nd we did all the things we used to do at all the places we used to go
in attempt for major restoration :)
feels good really, starting over again without really actually starting all over again, if that makes sense
but since its those things we did in the past that made us so attached, no harm in doing them all again right? and of course, to fall in love all over again :D

that last pic was taken during lunch break :)
i know i just had to post the blurrest pics here but they're the ones where i look happiest thats why i love blurred pics haha
other pics at multiply

ok i gotta send my mum to hospital now cause she's having difficulty breathing
will be back with further updates.

2008-06-07T12:25:00.001+08:00

2 more weeks to go
much has happened since my last post
hope i can get to sit down for a proper update tonight

on other news,
the pain in my head came back few days ago and still hasnt gone away.
ive also made a new friend.

unposted

2008-05-26T23:12:00.006+08:00

i think only you know of this feeling that i hide away
i'm sorry that i hide it even from myself, pretending not to be aware of it, maybe its my ego
all i know is it definitely is the very essense of my weakness, the reality of being one whose nose is now up high, feeling like its a such a heavy task to look down again at my feet, at the (granted) now stable ground. like what she said, instead of being like a bungee jump, it oughtta be like a toddler learning to walk and feeling anxious to run to her father's open arms, that never seems to be getting any nearer, due to so much..hindrance.
i'm carrying so much luggage.. i'm sorry but i dont think half of them are worth showing you. i dont think any of them are worthy excuses/reasons for what i've done. i try not to sink too deep into it because i know i will shake in fear thinking of how it goes when you start to ask me and i imagine the honest answers i have to give you.

i suppose when i came across this girl it probably marked the start of all this..
of when i started to feel things i've truly missed
and i have to admit, there is some feeling of envy (which i hope will go away)
and wishing i was just like her
so well guarded.
i'm still thinking twice if i should approach her one day and ask her bring me back down, for i'm far too high up in the clouds
and suddenly, you're all i think about again

is this your secret way of calling my name?
it sure makes my heart melt.

please dont let this feeling fade off along the journey home.

and when i come back, please dont let them tease me anymore. i dont want them to be the reason that i cant return.

nb: in need of a good run. must book bf for a weekend of workout!

update

2008-05-23T23:32:00.004+08:00

finally the oversized, unappreciated bed is gone gone gone from my room and transferred to the brats room!

now i have all the space in the world
although my nephews are the ones with a room that looks more like bedroom, with the newly built in wardrobe with sliding door/mirror and , well, that oversized bed to complement it.
whereas i, am still stuck with the ceiling-high wardrobe thats been here for possibly 15 years, and the dressing table that (i hate) belongs to that oversized bed (yeah it stays in my room till they find out what to do with it) which is not till... probably when im married. but its fine. its served me well so far.

and that oversized bed (the whole set) is 11 years old even though it still looks good as new, not a scratch or an inch of ruined varnish, thanks to my mum's good hands. but i still hate it cause its taking up so much space especially for skinny little me hahahahha

but yay ive always loved super singles/just a mattress on the floor
and the latter is currently what i have
and i'm definitely NOT complaining
i love it. :)

i doubt mum will get me a bed
i hear them saying something about a bigbedi'llhavetobuywhenmytimecomestoget..well, hitchedandthatgettingasingleonenow is a waste of money
something something
i dunno
great expectations leads to great disappointments
interpret that as u will
hahhaha

anyway i just wanted to say
today my cat boxed me in the eye
during hide and seek
and if im lucky
it wont be bruised

:(

p/s: seriously, do not doubt the strength of little paws, and im talking about swiping and not CLAWING or scratches
and if i do get bruised, I"LL PROVE IT!!!

sorry

2008-05-23T20:55:00.006+08:00

"A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
..

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else "

i cant see that look on your face, felt like i shot myself
i think that was it
twice in 2 weeks.
i'm sorry, i didnt know what i was doing

nb:
of course, together till the end
better days ahead.

2008-05-20T22:35:00.000+08:00

its always better when we're together.

2008-05-19T22:05:00.004+08:00

_{aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakini ku
kau tercipta untukku
meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil sluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tahu
ku slalu milikmu
yang mencntaimu
sepanjang hidupku}

2008-05-18T22:48:00.002+08:00

when did things become so difficult?
is it supposed to be part of this.. temporary period?
how did talking become so hard,
how did listening become almost painful,
and how did too much understanding become the very reason for..the lack of it?

and

how can it be
when you've given everything and beyond you,
that you see that you havent been giving anything at all?

the proposal

2008-05-17T12:32:00.011+08:00

this morning mum accompanied me to the post office
just before we left, mum opened the door, with me squatting next to it playing with hanie who couldnt wait for the door to be opened so she could explore outside
thats when i saw some wet stuff on my new door

there's been a gangster cat who keeps coming up to our house (on the 8th floor) and sort of "fighting" with hanie at the small the gap below the door. he will try to swipe hanie's forelegs with his, sliding his paw every now and then below our door. hanie would get all frightened with such scary and ungentlemanly move but, being the super cat she is, she'll hide all the fear with some anger and hiss and fluff up her fur. i see a lot of myself in her. hahaha

and she'll get damn excited too and keeps climbing up to our window and going back down to the door and repeating the same thing over and over again to keep track of where the tomcat is, and when i go over to the window with her to check where he is, the snobbish tom gave such a nonchalant look that i felt like slapping him ten times. how dare he!! seriously..he was being so rude to my lovely little girl. after making my cat pissed he'd walk away abit with his tail high up, then he'd turn back to her and give a stupid look like he cant give a flying f that my cat's trying to..seek truce, then he'd walk away again, enjoying the fact that my cat's really desperate to see him to know what the hell he wants. then when she's given up, he'd come back and try to fight with her again. the worst part is, she loves sleeping by the door, and he'd come and disturb her when she's asleep and eventually she'd stay up all night to see if he'd come back to our house just to act like he's all-that before trying to fight with a girl. well, i never.
a GUY TRYING TO FIGHT WITH A GIRL. seriously, i'd slap his face ten times.

but today i found out all that arrogance of the brat had eventually resulted in something more when he marked his territory on my front door. i know it could be a mark of extreme displeasure but i'm convinced that he mustve eventually got so smitten with hanie's heartmelting voice and her pretty face. because he's stopped fighting with her and instead sing some lousy song to her in the middle of the night. and i dont see why it could be stress-related when he's the one who comes up to find fault with her, its not like he's staying in the same house and he got provoked or something. so he's obviously marking the door in case words spread fast around the neighbourhood that theres a sexy cat on the 8th floor of blk 141. as we all know the behaviour is mainly to serve as an ad to a potential sexual partner (my cat) during the mating season, as the pheromones in the urine gives all the information about the his identity, age, and mating status.

he's yet to see her model-slim body. i bet he'd come with a bouquet of fancy feast for her the next day.

i told my mum someone's in love with our cat and she's more annoyed and disgusted than i expected, cause our front door was only two days old and its the first time some cat actually took the trouble of coming up to the eighth floor just to spray on it. she said "that cat better watch out the next time i see him i'll teach him a lesson. didnt he learn any manners??? spraying on people's door!!! what kind of attitude is that!!! bloody rude!!"

HAHAHAHA
she didnt stop nagging about it as if the culprit was a human
hahahhaha

somebody's in love with my cat
thats so cute
and he only heard her voice and saw her pretty face through the window
he hasnt even seen how sexy she is in whole
hahahahahhaa

too bad she's spayed
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

on second thoughts i'd love to be a proud grandparent
if you get what i mean

hahahahha
my god i love my cat
..quite more than i love anything else in this world.

asdfghjkl

2008-05-13T22:54:00.003+08:00

guess who's been up early for work this week?
guess who's finally tendered her six week notice and found out her partner, better known as her life support for taking over half her portfolios, has also tendered and will be leaving next week?
guess who just gained 3kg?
guess who just found out she just spent quite possibly 700 bucks and had nothing to show for it?

i wanna be a nice person
maybe if i meet you i'll try to smile rather than cast a spell on you.

i need a job goddammit!

news

2008-05-11T22:09:00.003+08:00

i wish i could kick some ass like that
cant wait for the movie to be out.. reminds me of ongbak

anyway here it is

i know its blur so sue me

not one of my top favourites but if this is where i should be going for a start then alhamdulillah at least i'm on my way. for a moment i thought i was going to be stuck here forever. hope once this is over i can get myself to GMS insyaallah.

as for now, time to save my ass and find another job.

belated 31st

2008-05-05T22:46:00.004+08:00

i know its late and i dont want to say why
because what's most important is to know
that we're still together for more reasons and meaning than what we had 31 months ago
and every brick wall we face only make me realize how strong we really are when we eventually break it down and carry on, with more love than my heart can fill.

i love you
happy belated 31st
& thanks for your abysmal patience.

<3

a slap

2008-04-27T02:37:00.005+08:00

its the weekend and ive been sleeping late
have been ot-ing five days a week and i'm starting to feel drained
ok, maybe thats not the best word. its quadruple worse
babe's not back for weekend cause of guard duty
i need to stay home cause dad's working for the weekend

last night (friday) i slept late
i went to a dear friend's blog and went to someone else's from a link i got there
both visits made me restless, probably in fear
and suddenly so many things came to me all at the same time
and for a moment i think almost couldnt take it

i dont want to harbour any ill feelings on certain matters too because, like what hasan said, it is akin to scolding you, and that i cannot imagine of doing, even the thought could make me shake in fear
and i know my slips arent any better
i want to come back but i want to do it slowly
will you be with me and do this with me,
will you give me the time to do this? because i miss you so.

i dont know how far i've run, i dont think i want to know,
i believe its not a long way back but i do want to walk this journey home slow.

i'm willing to try..but i'm not sure if i can do it on my own.
i hope you'll be with me.

2008-04-21T21:12:00.000+08:00

i dont think i can take this any longer

bits

2008-04-21T14:28:00.007+08:00

didnt go to work today had one of the worst episodes i get every month
no vomitting though
finally faded off after about 2.5 hours of.... unbelievably excruciating pain & squirming.

in a little while darling's coming over all the way frm the other end to accompany me to the doc. i'm doomed, there's tons of work due today and here i am in my room, not a care in the world. tomorrow i'll be showering files and emails when i head down to work. i wish my results would be out faster. positive results obviously
then i can quickly save my sorry ass from the godforsaken place

i wish i can fast forward till 2009 for reasons that some of you may already know. the older i get, the less i am treated like an adult
how could you say such a thing to me? how could you say i'm never there? how could you compare me and say i didnt turn out that good after all? who's the one who's been there for you all the while?

i know i know i owe a hell lot
work's been madness and ive been ot-ing most of the time and i get too shagged to do anything when i get home

oh babe and i have finally bought our jason markks and currently its my turn to use it and refresh my kicks
speaking of which, there's 1 pending for arrival
but i have a strange feeling i might re-sell it
still want my tours.

ok actually from my last post till now life has been quite.... generally confusing
nothing much to note except darling's one week block leave
and oh yeah about our 30th that i said i will post about. its up in multiply
thanks for the hellz bellz :)
then it was mum's birthday
we had a family dinner at hyatt and i think by far this was the best surprise we ever threw her
four couples: mum+dad, 1st sis + abg fazir, 2nd sis + abg nazri, yat and i
luckily his OP was over so he could join us

new girl's at work to lighten my burden and im counting down the day when she's fully stable so i can hand her all the work that should be hers
and i'm glad to say i've made great friends as well (not the new girl)

and how could i forget shawn giving us $350 to spend on food for the office
geraldine shihui and i went mad at marks & spencer, getting 3 baskets full of fab food that we personally liked (not exactly for the ppl in the office)
then we headed to jasons marketplace to buy 7 bags more worth of food
within two hours we even had time to shop hahahaha
never really had girly fun since i was 14

oh yeah i think im gaining weight
pray hard for me!!

then there's one day when i actually took a day off to spend the day with darling at siloso
pics all at multiply
like i said, a major quality time was long overdue for a serious restoration
and there it was
and last saturday we went cycling at ecp
recently i feel my legs giving way too often, feels like its easy to fall backwards
but somehow
just somehow
i'm always saved

i'm sorry

never want this feeling to go away

..hell lot more at multiply

ps: CONGRATS HANA!! still cant believe u didnt tell me earlier! :D so exciting!

2008-04-15T11:20:00.000+08:00

i got no time to blog for now but i just want to say this

i just farted into my cat's face while she was asleep
now her nostrils are doing some weird stuff hahahahahaha

30

2008-04-03T23:28:00.002+08:00

HAPPY 30TH!!!!! I LOVE YOUUUUU :)
..with all my heart and soul (and sole as well)

(will write a proper post when i have enough energy to even turn the bedroom lights off)

2008-04-01T23:35:00.005+08:00

i know i owe a damn lot
but im so tired

today i took urgent leave to send my dad to A&E and he got warded
i dont feel like going to work tomorrow
but ben's on leave for a week

as i helped my dad get on the wheelchair
i felt something inside me breaking
suddenly, the person i never once imagined to falter..doesnt seem that strong anymore.

ps: as i waited six hours before he was finally sent to the cardio ward, i actually imagined walking back into the emergency room and everyone in it, from docs to bleeding patients and even my dad,to be all smiles and screaming "APRIL FOOLS! WE'RE ALL OKAY!" to me. -_- dammit i need to get some sleep.

the past

2008-03-23T03:53:00.023+08:00

last night i dug out some old stuff and found a bunch of..stuff..that i believe oughtta be buried away

i suppose the only person who knew what i was like is rohaidah (and me hearty, when i had a relapse) and the only person who knows how it felt like is my sister and hayley i think

very hesitant to share these at first but i think, its fine. nobody's seen these but i think i dont care.. althought i did felt something when i stumbled upon these last night
babe said if i share this i could show the world how far i've come
cause we all have our setbacks so heres mine
and i thought i'd put this here cause its my blog and i feel no reason to hide something that isnt there anymore

i was ill, and doctors couldnt seem to help me recuperate
didnt talk, didnt laugh, and i was quite like a ghost, couldnt feel anything except gloom & fear at every passing second, and it was really awful that i had to resort to.. self harm (sorry no pics) so i could make the feeling be seen. when i walked my head was always down cause i didnt dare to look at people (i think thats why i missed out seeing hana at the interchange and only saw the bf's p-rods cause the red lace damn neckbreaking hahaha) i wasnt brittle, i was already shattered and felt like beaten to pulp. for over a year i was very frightened and overwhelmed with unspeakable grief everyday, from the moment i wake, through the day and even in my sleep. my arms used to have cuts and carvings of a word i dont dare to reveal..

no reason no cause or maybe there was, maybe suddenly i just couldnt take it and lost grip..

anyway i seriously thought i was doomed to live in grief forever and that there was no way out for me , because i tried a thousand times but its like everywhere i turn its there, and everytime i start to feel a glitter of hope, something pulls me back and everything dies. like im not allowed to be happy. you have no idea how awful it was

when babe came along i was straddled in between here and there
struggling to stay in his company without feeling nauseous
and suddenly after what seemed ages, i dont know what he did
but one day, finally, i really recovered. :)

(and also lost 20kg which i cant seem to gain back now)

i took 14 of these and almost couldnt wake up the next day

this letter was from the psychiatrist and it was sealed, i was supposed to give it to the psychologist but i read it when i got home. the psychologist was an asshole.

waste of my goddamn time and money

i used to love taking this when i need to escape. cause this antidepressant makes me sleep for almost 24 hours but its side effects were awful. i didnt know i had to stop gradually, so i had all sorts of symptoms when i suddenly stopped taking these when i THOUGHT i felt better. rule no 1, never do that. it will come back twice worse. (and it did)

here's another one thats given to me but worked too slowly

i didnt finish it. didnt want to.. cause i didnt want to depend on it ha, ha, ha.

there ya go

i made a book for fyp

they didnt know it was about me

"i draw a little picture, a picture with a twist
i draw it with a razorblade, i draw it on my wrist"

omg i was damn emo ok!!!
but at that time different lah
all i wanted to do was to shut my brain down

what it was like

the worst advice on earth

more where those came from

....

well im fine now!
so thanks my darling
for saving my life. :)

and damn, i've really come far.

brief update

2008-03-21T22:13:00.005+08:00

i know i know i've hardly touched this blog for a while, not that i dont visit yours though hahah i'm just either to tired, or too distracted,and therefore too lazy to commit to typing much, maybe cause ive had way more than enough of that from work
which reminds me, fuck, i really hate work

so anyway for my own benefit if i want to look back at my monotonous life 10 yrs down the road at what were the lame things that happened on a fine march 2008, i decided to make an entry hahaha

ok here are super brief updates in no particuler order:

1) i met my bestfriend. yes, we finally met. and found out lots of things

2) i got my retainers, wearing them only when i sleep hahahahahhaaha its gross ok ive never talked with so much saliva bubbling in my mouth before

3) the dentist found a hole in one of my molars and wanted to give me a root canal. well i'll shove the bloody drill up his if he dare to coax me into it

4) babe's return from brunei conjured a lot of...emotions and reactions. i think i'll just keep them in my head. :) but one thing's for sure, "reunited, and it feels so good"

5) i'm planning to quit my job but at the same time i feel like if i quit after all this perseverance, its as if i'm sticking to work for the rest of my life as opposed to what my plans really are. so while i'm convinced that i cannot lose this, i'll just hang on a bit longer till it becomes real. which i hope should be very soon now. do you understand?

6) went out with babe's bunkmates (only 2 of them) with their dates. i usually have problem with group dates but glad this one went perfectly well.

7) last week i took half day to remove my braces, but end up calling office asking for the rest of the day off (cause i was too lazy to go to work after that)

8) then this week, i had half day on tuesday for dental appt again but i called office and said i couldnt make it for the rest of the day cause the appt is still not over hahaha. then babe fetched me and we went to watch movie HAHAHAHA we caught spiderwick, and shopped around for awhile

9) the following day, i took mc. cause i hate work. HAHAHA

10) the day after that, which was yesterday, i ended up having to overtime till 11pm and my work STILL is NOT at least HALF done.

11) babe's moved to neesoon camp for awhile cause he's assigned at kranji for his OP to catch the godforsaken mas selamat. bloody helll...the guy could be dead all this while for all you know and this hoohaa was just to make us not think of such possibility frm the govt. who knows?!? i mean, its really lame to just stand out there, its not like he'll just POP OUT (if he's alive) seeing all those soldiers/cops. u guys should at least hide or something so he'll think the coast is clear for him to move. what a waste of time.

12) a major quality time is in order! too much time apart me hearty :(

13) shall we hit CQ next week hana? maybe thursday after my stupid work

14) my brother in law has so much games stored in his hard drive that babe and i are in total awe. i managed to copp some for my psp today. hahaha

15) my cat's new hotspot is on top of the fridge

16) mum & dad went msia during the voting weekend and their bus got attacked and dad's window got hit by a rock. it appeared in the papers. fucking msians

17) i hate my job

18) VS is having a fucking huge sale. the polo i bought for USD29 is now only 9.99 and the USD48 cardigan is now 9 bucks.

19) cant wait for april. hope it reaps good news.

20) tomorrow, i'm being forced to go to a relative's wedding. i think this is the first time i even said the word RELATIVE. i'm just gonna go, eat for free, and get the hell out of the foreign place.

21) i had a relapse

22) i'm fine now

23) i used to cry till i lost my voice when forced to eat half boiled eggs back in primary school (cause according to mum its healthy but i felt like i was eating alien guts), but guess what, thanks to asyraf im now hooked on it, but only the ones at ya kun kaya toast. hahahhaha

24) ive been eating less and less, theres lesser and lesser food at home, and theres more and more stress at work when i dont even give a flying f about who pays and who doesnt, and i'm telling u, in no time, u can hardly see me at all.

25) i need motivation to blog.

thats it for now goodnight

wait
26) i hate my job.

27) dont tell me ur not tempted by THIS

u gotta see this
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Four-Cheese-Macaroni/Detail.aspx?ARBMID=1360&ARFMTID=1

hoooo~ *angelic glow with choir*

KEN LEEEEEEEEEE

2008-03-14T22:36:00.001+08:00

best shit ive ever seen since work started

2008-03-10T23:05:00.001+08:00

help
help
help
help
hel
p
.

i feel me slipping in and out of consciousness

i'm not here this isnt happening

2008-03-09T01:33:00.001+08:00

stuck in reverse

2008-03-07T19:38:00.002+08:00

hiatus till this dysthymic tease fades.

the missing post for 29th

2008-03-04T18:56:00.004+08:00

HAIYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

im at the nadir point of all feelings right now
I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW!

took mc on monday (sick), and today (for fun)

and yesterday was a day of unspeakable rapture as well as depression

crap i dont even have the mood to blog!
I HATE WORK

will write more later maybe. if i forget that im working tomorrow

weekend

2008-03-02T00:11:00.009+08:00

i remember babe showing me this vid some time in 2006 and he restored my love for typography hahahaha bthen i saw this again today at kiera's multiply so i decided to just park it in my blog for...fun.

by Mos Def:

anyway, today went out to give my parents a treat and i STILL forgot to pay salman the $10. my 2nd sis joined us and then off we went shopping but not for long cause dad's knee started to hurt again :(

the best news of all is, i finally got my baby a leash!!!!

why are my fingers like that? as if its so hard to hold that thing. im so weird

she's so sexy isnt she

and her pink glittery collar's too old and the bell's rusty so i got her a new one, mum picked this out. i like black but in this case i'd have picked something more girly for her. but its alright i guess

anyway...guess who i bumped into today?
suhaha

she was with her friends and thankfully nurul wasnt with her. i found myself gasping when i saw her but i was even more shocked to find myself smiling and waving at her, and she did the same as i walked past. at the same time, for god knows what reason, there was this undescribable stab of pain in my chest that i couldnt get rid off the rest of the evening, and only faded off when i got home to see my cat's face.

*deep breath*

anyway, digressing............i think natasha bedingfield is so pretty! i just saw her in her latest music vid and i think she slimmed down a hell lot, and she looks so...perfect! i mean, she looks so...perfect. amazingly beautiful eyes, nice brows, perfect cheekbones, and a thousand dollar smile with that set of teeth that i think looks just...too perfect!
but at some angles, she still gives me that split second impresson of a man . hahahaha.

im tired. havent been getting enough sleep and have been working too hard.
a week and a half to go before i get fully restored.
plus i think my results are out next week. i hope i miss it when its out. hahaha.

oh which reminds me, babe dared me to try use the af1 to symbolize the cell early last year and i took up the challenge
hahaha

its not nonsense okay, like, the stitching is impt cause really helps to keep the leather together into a shoe, just like the cytoskeleton, and the lace looks like the Golgi body with that stacked look. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA. it helps me okay! i actually did another one out of a jordan shoebox to help me remember some cell functions thing

hahahahahahahahhaahhaaha.

my darling

2008-03-01T23:47:00.002+08:00

recorded by his nephew. i didnt get to go, but at least now i know how extremely dark he's become. this is serious. i mean, look at that. he's darker than the night sky!

boring post

2008-02-28T22:05:00.002+08:00

i just received another e-card!! i feel sooooooooooo highhhh
its so sweet :))))))))))))))))

about less than two weeks to go. hai~~~

im exhausted beyond imagination
guess what im already a confirmed staff. hahahaha. now i can take all the leave i want and still get paid
oh and it seems like eversince i came in, i started a whole new wave of...politics
hahaha
like suddenly all these stressed out, overworked but still a big happy bunch, became bitchy. we all bitch together against this one person that i hated from day 1. hahahahaa

/edit

actually i typed a whole paragraph of whats been happening in the office but i guess i sounded too mean

and guess what
pics of hana(& bf) and i came out in Streething!
if only bf went, his pic wouldve been next to mine instead of that ...jordanhead
i wonder if our interview came out in strait times

ok gotta collapse in bed
tomorrow gonna OT till late!
and tmr's also the day when they'l have this web conference thing at camp with those guys in Brunei
guess i wont get to see me hearty :(

ALONE!!!!!

2008-02-26T20:31:00.002+08:00

I walked I ran I jumped I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
Theres no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath but I survived
I don't know how but I don't even care

guess what? i'm alone in the office, in this...seemingly large office.
everybody's gone home. i'm not scared im not scared im not scared im not scared.

25th floor of peninsula plaza all by myself. (anyone care to drop by?)

im not scared im not scared im not scared

benjamin's on mc for a week so im trying to clear my shit or i gotta juggle mine with his. fuck.

maybe after this i'll take mc for year.

on a happier note, i received an e-card from babe! he mustve sent it before he last week. *swooning*

2008-02-25T15:23:00.008+08:00

took half day off cause im sick, and as i walked off i saw the stacks of files on my desk getting higher and higher.. its ok. i'm not staying.

anyway, here's the thing i really want to say

before i die, i want to:

1)see the Aurora Borealis (Northern lights)
the first time i saw these i thought they werent real

2)go to Salar de Uyuni in Bolivia WHEN THERE IS WATER. otherwise, i'll pass. hahaha
look at this guy!!its simply amazing.

sometimes it looks too surreal its actually scary
this is the best thread ive ever seen
http://www.issforums.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=604831&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=daughter&start=0

and last but not least:

i think dub-zeros are nice. hahahha. and theres one in particular that i like.
but on more urgent matters, im still hunting for 4s.
money or no money, i WILL GET THEM!

2008-02-24T21:07:00.015+08:00

you know,

i hate sundays cause it marks the end of the weekEND.
i hate mondays
i hate tuesdays
and wednesdays and thursdays

but i like fridays. on 2nd thoughts, i hate fridays too cause i still gotta work
hmm. actually fridays arent that bad. its the day babe books out so we both share this liberating feeling when evening comes

i like saturdays and i wish everyday's a saturday.
and now its 9.09, i have less than 3 hours to enjoy my sunday before the clock screams monday. seriously i feel like................. planting a claymore in the office and blow up the whole place

i hate my job, i hate being in a lawfirm, i hate LAW. i just cant fathom how some of my colleagues are taking part time courses in Law WHILE WORKING IN A LAWFIRM

too much of a good thing is a bad thing, but in this case, too much of a BAD thing (at the person's own will) is simply beyond my comprehension

i havent missed bf that much so YAY, it hasnt been rough! maybe its cause he's been calling and/or sms-ing. so it doesnt feel that he's too far away. i've already msged him saying we should limit to at least a call a day or in 2 days, and leave the rest to sms. after all its only been THREE days so he gotta be wary of his bills

yesterday was a horrible day, and a strange day and also an exciting day
i am officially boycotting all cabs in sg, imagine i get in one, and before i even begin the journey the total fare is already 7 dollars. i couldve paid something like $9ish rather than..than.. $27.

anyway yesterday i went out with salman & asyraf and as usual after a heavy lunch we wandered around aimlessly. in the end it was time to go, and i rushed to LE's jordan 23 release event for AJ club members.

got intervewed with hana by the Strait times ppl for being female sneaker collectors and we had to pose with the ugly 23.
and we also took pic with this guy from Nike although i wish i knew what his name was. we won prizes bla bla bla im too lazy to repeat. its all here

it just felt strange cause me hearty wasnt there. i felt lost around things that i loved because the person who's supposed to share this love with me wasnt there (and also because its him who knows everybody there not me) but oh my god they really have got EVERYTHING. even AJKO, sky high jordan 1s, and even my holy grail of all holy grails, the (apparently) $5000 undftd jordan 4s. *choir background*

and theres this small kid who owns a collection thats got more heat than a thousand microwaves:

when i have a son (or daughter) i'll make sure he (or she) will be just like that.

and i'll start him (or her) off with something like this (copped this from ISS) kid's wearing jordan 13s. and a jordan creeper(if thats what u call it)

and look they even got babe's holy grails, the concords. from left: one for him, one for me, (& to be continued) hahahahahha goddammit im so lame i crack myself

and look, my favourite tiniest version

it doesnt even have ice sole cause its too tiny!!
and only TWO lace holes on either sides!!! #!@%$%@#@ cute

anyway. tomorrow. work. TSKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK~
oh btw i finally cleaned my cats little cubicle and also my room. and also watch The Breakup which i now realize its AWFUL. i hate the feeling it leaves me. i seriously thought there was a happy ending. as in they got together again.

i need to eat
bye

day 1

2008-02-22T11:40:00.002+08:00

its day 1 of bf being away

anyway today OT til 10.30 CAN U BELIEVE IT
now i could either a) fall into hysteria b) become narcoleptic right at this moment c) collapse and come to on 12th march

btw am i the last person on earth to know about the ridiculous 35% surcharge for peak hour? the meter keeps going up and so does the fare for peak hour. and u pay double. wtf

anyway, so far day 1 was ok. used office phone to call me hearty hahha i dont give a damn, i'll just say i called a debtor who turns out to be overseas.

i'm so tired
and hungry and broke
it feels good though coming home and ur cat's waiting for u at the door and when she sees you she'll jump up to the doorknob trying to open the door for u while yowling in excitement

hahaha
sometimes i think my cat thinks she's a dog
ok too tired
bye

2008-02-21T21:43:00.003+08:00

well im over it. who cares, i'll just go for it again
you know, theres this oldschool (early 40s?) theologian called Dietrich Bonhoeffer who used to say;
if you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction"
and i guess he's damn right.

its 9.43. i have 10 hours more to keep myself together..before i disintegrate.

:(

2008-02-21T11:25:00.005+08:00

i'm so goddamn pissed
i failed my btt AGAIN
for those of you who happen to be reading this AND have a bloody lic, please leave. hahaha. (still angry)
i failed when i was 18 cause i knew shit about roads and i never studied, so fine. plus its the time when u answer by shading ur options so the chances of making careless mistakes are higher.
and now, almost 22, old and a late bloomer, i failed again when all the questions were so fucking easy and most of all LOGICAL (you know how lame the wrong options can be!) that i was done in 20min but i triple checked and in the end i was one of the last few to leave

i could see their screens flashing "PASSED" and one by one left to print out their results. then i ended my test and it showed FAILED. fuck, ok? FUCK.

at this rate, i'll never free myself from this plight of being a helpless commuter of buses where everyone's "packt like canned sardines" as thom yorke would say, or being ripped off of my cash when i flag for the "public chauffeurs" who give bad service and lie for their own benefit.

my company's organising a lunch at the grand something hotel today but im not going. im not in the mood for anything so i headed straight home.. so here i am in the living room seeking solace with wedges and sotongballs. my next (and hopefully final) attempt will be on march 3rd. if i fail again, i'm going thailand to get myself a fake licence and YOU CANT STOP ME

so i guess for today i'll just go to work by 2pm. although i really feel like sleeping. but if i stay home i cant meet bf. and he's leaving tomorrow. TOMORROW. in less than 24 hours. and i cant even send him off

and as i speak i know my work is piling higher and higher at my office desk and bank officers are probably ringing me up non stop but i'm here all guarded from the cruel, outside world, where you fail your basic theory cause the quota for passes has been reached. and where there's no music in your office.

i'm going to roll about in bed.
meeting babe for the last time tonight before he leaves. i dont know whether to be thrilled to see him or to dread this meet.
so,bye.

long and overdue

2008-02-17T18:09:00.004+08:00

figured this is the best time to make a proper update...

about 4 more days before babe leaves.................................................................................................

:)

anyway, lets see where i last stopped
oh, right, cny hols...
time sure flies fast when u're having fun
twas the time bf and i went to dfs and etc, this one's blogged in detail and with pics on our multiply so u can go there if you know the address
besides that, it was also the time i bought high heels, went out and came home in one piece!
it is now my favourite (and only) pair because for the first time i didnt fall nor, most importantly, have a single blister on my feet!

the next day i went out in it again but i snapped the strap so,...i guess i do need time getting used to that thing. and i wanted to go back in my shoes by babe was saying how short ive become and he was starting to enjoy me walking next to him like i'm almost 1.7m rather than about 1.63
and it does feel grown up walking in heels hahahahhaa so i bought a new pair as a rebound hahaha but of course my feet was crying within 5 minutes not to mention i feel like...amy winehouse (those heels got polka dots and a bow in front eurgh)

days later i got the snapped one fixed and now im fine and dandy
after that holiday break the dreaded workweek resumes and i got drained all over again. i'm broke, unmotivated, and angry for more reasons than one

anyway, i dont really remember what else significant happened except the week that has just passed...the job is really starting to take its toll on me
i dont enjoy doing work that involves files with metal fasteners
and also doing things that involves minimal brain effort
especially being bossed, ordered, and in a music-less environment
i dont care what people get themselves into
and i dont care if they are about to get sued if they dont show up
I DONT CARE
and this week has been the worst because of the pile of work that has to be done

but on thursday, valentines day, babe's whole battalion got nights off so he rushed to see me
and we had a wonderful dinner
its an amazing feeling that you get after a horrible, long day at work and u feel so wrecked
and u see the person you love beyond all reasons
you get so...rejuvenated
the most therapeutic thing you could reward yourself with
and on friday, by 11am i was already draining out
i wanted to go home so badly i could just implode

but guess what, i stayed till 8.30
it was a bit motivating cause i told him i needed to see him
and by that timing he was waiting for me downstairs, i managed to get half of the pile of work done, and when i saw him all the weariness just vanquished
he was all smiley and he threw me a hug and a kiss on the forehead
and i felt, all that work was worth the while cause at the end of the day this is the feeling i was blessed with, i could smile all the way till sleep

saturday, yesterday, was the best day ever cause he finally brought me to the army museum
i got to shoot the sar21 hahaha damn cool.

HAHAHHAHAHA. taken on the trial IMT.
more details and pics on multiply.

on i forgot to mention, i went for my dental appt on wednesday and i asked when i could get them removed
he paused then he said, "we'll have them off on ur next visit"
aweeeeesomeeeeeee

but then he said i had to put on retainers which is a complete anticlimax
and the fact that i have to pay $600+++++++++++++++++ for it had my mum screaming at me on the phone cause she thought we had fully settled all payments
but anyway i get to have the braces off early next month!! and i get to enjoy that for a week before im given the retainers
lets see if i'll actually use them
hahaha

ive got so much planned out for myself this year and the next
nothing that would be of your interest hahaha but just... what i shouldve done before and only doing now before its too late
i hope everything goes well

babe leaves on friday and i cant even send him off cause im working, and i'm already taking half day for the day before cause i have my basic theory hahahahaha i know i know i'm such late bloomer. at least i tried it when i was 19 ok, just that..i gave up on it. hahaha.

anyway he said its a good thing i wont be able to make it cause otherwise it'll make parting so awfully hard for him
i've working on doing something for him and i'm not even halfway through
he already knows what it is i guess
or maybe part of it (cause i told him hahahhaa)

ok i think today's entry really talks a lot about him
maybe cause he'll be off soon and its all ive been thinking about

oh by the way, they're launching the ugly 23s at Limited Edition this saturday, only for Jordan Club members
there'll be some jordan shrine up for all the rarest pairs from 1 to 23, free food and drinks and also prizes
HANA!!! if ur going shall we rock the same jays? hahahha

on other news, i have been having toothache cause i ate a jar of sugus all by myself
i dont even know u can get toothache after u've reached adulthood
i feel like a 10 yr old

and also, my nose has been bleeding for the last 5 mornings and some nights
the pain in my head isnt gone
but my eyes have been hurting every night
tsk..so many random problems

oh on the day i went to fix my heels, i spilled an entire bowl of red roast chicken noodle onto my white tee, jeans, which later soaked through till...u know, my undergarments
i went home sticky and smelling like chicken
thankfully i got my cardigan in my bag so i could take off my white (which was then already brown) top for my cardigan instead

i think this is a very long post
i need to cut my cat's claws and i also need to have dinner
and also...do something else

will be counting down to 12th march. sigh.

2008-02-11T23:41:00.001+08:00

seriously i wonder who visits my blog. besides the fact that i keep moving like a gypsy and end up with five (or six?) blogs in total, i'm also too shy for god knows what reason to go around telling people my blog address and asking them to visit, so i prefer to just..accidentally leave the address somewhere and forget about it (ie friendster) hahaha

anyway i havent slept according to bedtime during the 5 day holiday so now i'm doomed
my bodyclock's all topsy turvy and i feel like mash at work

also, right now i am feeling awfully strange
like i always do
after visiting hasanul's blog

partly like i just got a fucking huge slap
which makes me feel extremeeeely close to..letting a tear or two roll down my cheek
or maybe even fall to my knees and simply disintegrate..

and partly, to see that i'm a huge lot of mess
that ive been refusing to face
and just carry on everyday blindly.

guess everything's not in place after all.

babe leaves in 10 days. thats not helping either.

i still need time, and i dont know if i'll be granted that.

u know, sometimes its so easy for me to just fall into psychosis.
or fugue, for that matter. damn the doc for using such a harsh word.

2008-02-09T02:24:00.001+08:00

i miss being in a band

never thought i'd say this but

i miss swiss winds

i miss how playing pieces like persis makes me come up with some story that i actually used to keep myself going

anyway today was awesome

while yesterday wasn't

there's so much to say and i cant believe i havent spilled a word here during this public holiday

anyway i hope u like the gift

today was simply..incredible. just the feeling i need to keep before u're off for overseas training. thats....very soon.

more at multiply :)

28 <3

2008-02-03T21:27:00.000+08:00

we're walking on air
and a lifetime of this
is now ours to share

2008-02-01T06:44:00.000+08:00

oh my god, this is it, its here

1st feb.

2008-01-27T19:57:00.000+08:00

YES!!! I FINISHED THE CLUB FLYER!
AND i've cleaned the super-private kitty litter (i prefer to call it her cubicle)
AND i'm at the last stage of medal of honor!

so productive
except, i havent:
bathed my cat (my excuse is, she slept from noon today till now,8pm)
kept my sneaks back into their boxes (mum's not complaning so i'm going to pretend there isnt a big mess of shoes the living room)
i havent taken my dinner
i havent started working on the present
i havent sent out the job applications for my sister
i havent tidy up my room,
or changed the sheets,
and... i think thats all. nothing potentially hazardous.

me hearty's gone for live firing today, he booked in last night after the treat.. very sucky
so i havent heard from him at all, not till probably past midnight
when i'm already fast asleep
yeah, i havent mentioned have i?
i'm now knocking off at 10 or latest 10.30.
unbelievable. i never cease to amaze myself! the last time i ~~slept this early~~ had a bedtime like this was probably when i was in lower primary
after that, its usually either around 2am, then slowly 4am, 7am, or not at all. thats when i start to hallucinate...like seeing 2 camels sharing a pink umbrella. or speaking in german to a friend.

there's somebody in my workplace who, by the way, is new just like me, who's in my shitlist. when i told the whole story to bf, he told me to kill her. or do something that could put her in a total fix. hahahaha.

and when i told him about the 3 guys who'd come to my office everyday at 5.40 and have been..sort of, interrupting my work, he asked "you'd better declare! or do u want me to standby outside your office with my rifle?" or whatever the name was.

very redundant information, i know. but i just need to be cheesy for a while as i recharge. havent been in the pink-est of health, and this pain in my head...

what else. a former colleague has also been bugging me through sms. i feel like kicking his face. the last time he sms-ed me was in 2005 when i was.. emotionally hostile. THEN he started to call me which was worse because its totally nauseating. i wish i could tell him he better start counting his blessings that i didnt kill him back then.

seriously, im dreading tomorrow. oh god...monday.
another long, super goddamn long week to go through. and see the bitch's face.
on 2nd thoughts, friday's coming(super slowly) with TWO most important highlights!
application period + babe books out :)
besides that...

i've been trying to keep my chin up
for more reasons than one. maybe i'll talk about it another day
so far, nothing has changed.
zilch.
but sometimes, i do think a lot and go way back
but..nothing's changed.

ok my cat needs me
bye

sneaky sneaky

2008-01-23T10:55:00.000+08:00

you know, when i'm at work, i dont usually do work. like right now.
this job has started to take its toll on me.. and my first pay is only days away.
maybe my body clock still hasnt adjusted accordingly (but then again i dont quite think i have one, but i'm starting to make one)
maybe its just starting to fade
maybe, the wait is starting to eat me up, all this anticipation that isnt gonna end anytime soon, at least, not till june.

feb is only 8 days away and the mental torment will officially begin

i met sriin yesterday after work to discuss some...i-wish-i-could-say-it-here-but-right-now-has-to-be-secret piece of news. i wish i could tell my bestfriend. but neither one of us can be found. i imagined her to be the first person to know about it, to discuss it with, and well, you know. as you grow older your luggage tends to get too heavy for your now weakening bones to carry. so i suppose some people prefer to leave the heavy old bags behind. like i did, late last year. very tragic and almost impossible to do, but i think its the most...logical and most sane thing to do. i did that before anyway and i obviously managed (probably almost, for now) to do it again.

anyway, moving on.

i havent been gaining weight like i imagined i would. eating kfc for lunch everyday seem to have zilch effect on me.

ok what else.

i'm really tired. and the old pain in my head has come back. work's alright, people are all just fine and dandy. i'm learning new and more interesting things as time flies, but obviously nothing that i'm truly and honestly interested about. at all. seriously, i hope feb/march/april/may/june will bring some good news. the only possibly good news that i'm determined to get.

i dont know if ive been doing any good spacing myself out, but i know it probably doesnt make a difference to any of the parties involved. i've blocked out pretty much everything and in focus i only see the february and next year's may.

2 dates of 2 months that are more important than anything else right now.
and of course, when babe gets back from brunei. although he hasnt really left yet, but, u know.

i'm sick and all i want is to go home and sleep.
i have a flyer to work on and ive been shoving it under the carpet since early jan. its due 1st feb. shit.

i'm broke as f.

YAY

2008-01-22T12:19:00.000+08:00

we're doing it next year!
we're doing it next year!
we're doing it next year!!!!!

*prances about*

2008-01-22T10:52:00.000+08:00

My, uh , she was getting the best of me
But ooh child you're my destiny
And I know it’s especially hard
With all these girls keep testin me
And you go and question me
If she even standin next to me
But you should laugh, cause you my better half
And these girls just fighting over the rest of me
Right now it feels so crazy
I know she just some lady
And my outfit is just so 80’s
Not to mention my mcLaren mercedes
And the 26 inch whe-e-els
Look so good with your six-inch-heels
Fly shit that you be on
Gucci on, mind my Louis Vuitton
And we high as the wave that we cruising on
High like, I like mercury
Why do I mention the solar system
Cause you in my soul and system
And we’re gonna take it home with this one
I got somethin’ that you gonna like
You got somethin’ that I can’t fight

going for greater heights

2008-01-21T09:23:00.000+08:00

after much thought and discussion, we've decided that we're not having it this year. we'll do it mid next year. :]

i bet this yr will be over before i know it, just like how it was for 2007. especially since this year babe will be busy going off for overseas training. (at this point, i shall not insert any issue on whatever impact it has on me, because right now i'm super thrilled about this big Thing. plus im seeing him later during lunch. :D )

anyway, i'll be praying all goes well that ends well.
as for now, lets get feb over and done with.

2008-01-19T17:24:00.000+08:00

i had that ...very wrong...dream.
again.

this time, it seemed so real i woke up feeling like it did happen.
i dont know why i have this dream(s), and most of all, i dont even know why it had to be you.

oh i am what i am, i'll do what i want

2008-01-17T14:27:00.000+08:00

I'm now in the office. i'm all nervy and anxious cause february is only 2 weeks away.
2 main highlights that's making me have wombats and locusts eating up my intestines:

1) babe's overseas training begins.
2) application period starts.
3) application pending.
4) application still pending.
5) abt 8 months to go (praying hard for it)

2 nights ago i finally spoke to my parents. i got all emotional and cried as i tried to get my point across. such a sensitive topic with extremely sensitive people. anyway right now case is pending approval (god knows how long but i hope situation can be rescued when my sister comes over tomorrow. i think she is)

i know what i want, more than anything, and i know where i'm headed. (except in february i might be lost temporarily)
i've got my life mapped out in detail, including if i hit a dead end or meet crossroads. and if anything i wanna start now taking things up level by level. so i can do things at my own pace. the last time i dived headfirst without a float, i almost drowned.

and as far as i'm concerned, the will to study till i get to where i want to be, is still burning brightly, that is why i never stick to a job longer than a month cause the commitment to work in something that i know is not for the long term, simply fades.
and just as i'm convinced about where im headed, i'm convinced on other matters too that holds equal importance in my life. which was what i talked to my parents about.

cause i'll need it to keep me going in the years to come. so i hope it happens. i hope i get the approval
insyaallah

2008-01-16T21:03:00.000+08:00

I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY. I'M GOING TO KILL THIS __________ IF SHE DOESNT GET BACK TO ME IN THE NEXT 24 HOURS.

fave

2008-01-13T22:57:00.001+08:00

just want to keep this in my blog, been wanting to do it for quite a long time.
talk about dream team...i love these kids version of kanye, pharrel and lupe fiasco. damn perfect. cant be more perfect that they're using Thom's song. <3

and they're all wearing super small sized versions of the clothes.. pharrel with mini icecreams and bbc's, and kanye with all the polos and shutter shades, and lupe..i love lupe.

the only thing left is that they should've chosen a less handsome kid for thom yorke. hahaha. that boy's too...cute. plus thom has one dead eye and spikier, darker blonde hair.

back on that train
never to be heard from again.

part 1 - today

2008-01-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

took the day off. 3 hours from work commencement i felt like my being was drained out. i was already getting cold sweat and my lower abs were already feeling like they're twisting like a torpedo inside plus it doesnt help that the faggot at the next desk was extremely nauseating with all that bitching. i might get my own desk tomorrow, i really hope that happens. i'm going to decorate it with everything that keeps me going.

i thought of just hanging on a little bit longer, at least till lunchtime, but by 11.30 i could hardly feel my hands or feet. the pain came back in threefold and so i told tracy i had to go and she gave me a very.. difficult face. like, if i leave, the whole office would come tumbling down. but she was nice and took the files from me and gave me the number to call if i cant make it tomorrow as well. went down to 22nd floor outside patrick mirandah co.'s office to pass my sister my lunchbox and the sandwiches she asked mum to make. then, with hands over my mouth(without looking like a retard) i rushed off to the bustop that seemed sixtyseven thousand eighthundred and ninety nine miles away.

didnt bring meds with me so i just gulped down my barley which happened to make me feel even worse. bus arrived after ten hours and after 3 stops i couldnt take it any longer. alighted at the stop where my darling would say "look this is the place where u said u had an encounter with a green snake" (which is to spite me because...fuck, long story. but there really wAS a green snake. just that its not at tHAT stop)

i went behind the Clearchannel panel and got ready to throw up with the sun practically gnawing on my skin. i couldnt stand nor sit, and i was hoping i could faint so i didnt have to put up with the excruciating pain. but looking at the bustop, people dont look like nice samaritans. they look like the kind who wont give a flying fuck even if i got eaten up by a dog right there and then. so thank god i didnt faint anyway.

in the end, in the very long end, i finally had to cab home. yeah and it cost me 9 goddamn bucks ok when it shouldve been around $5 or so. halfway through the journey i was on the verge of asking the driver to stop by the highway so could puke but i hardly had the voice to speak. after what seemed like another lifetime, i trudged home like a drunkard but managed to puke out my empty stomach, even right out my nose. it was more painful than gross. with teary eyes and wobbling feet i managed to get to the lift but puked yet again. then when i got to my 8th floor i pulled myself out and managed to get to my doorstep but another throwing up before i open the doors and seamlessly shut them back before i collapsed at the kitchen, with hanie next to me, worried.

the end.

five hours later i marathoned medal of honour. i feel a bit better.
still waiting for babe to call from his 24clicks. sigh.

2008-01-06T22:43:00.001+08:00

havent been in the best of shape
i know i owe a lot of update, especially on my first week at work
and most importantly about what happened today
but right now, i'm just... blank. i'm out of words. i dont think i can come up with anything that could quite say exactly what i wish i could say

i'm tired
and as i let the thoughts of today roll about in my head
i feel like i could cry
like i did today

all i can say is
i cant wait for wednesday
i miss the person who can make everything alright again
and is blessed with a 3 day block leave this week.

i cannot wait.
seriously.

XXVII

2008-01-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

better late then never (to post this)
He fills my heart with very special things
With angels' songs, with wild imaginings
He fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go, I'm never lonely
With him around, who could be lonely
I reach for his hand, it's always there

How long does it last?
Can love be measured by the hours in a day?
I have no answers now, but this much I can say
I'm going to need him till the stars all burn away
And he'll be there

Happy 27th, dearly beloved.
i love you.

2008-01-01T23:23:00.000+08:00

first day of work starts in 9.5hours
please please please let it all be ok.

ps: i'm so glued to my book. and theres only 1/4 of chapters left before THE END. Shit. i wish i was only at the beginning.

note to self: buy at least 3 more new books asap. its one of my new year resolutions btw. to read more. its the damn easiest thing to do and also one of my favourite things. you get so out of reach.

Syedul Istighfar (Biggest Istighfar)

2007-12-31T20:41:00.001+08:00

note to self.

Allahumma anta Rabbi la ilaha illa anta, Anta Khalaqtani wa ana abduka, wa ana 'ala ahdika wa wa'dika mastata'tu, A'udhu bika min Sharri ma sana'tu, abu'u Laka bini'matika 'alaiya, wa Abu Laka bidhanbi faghfirli innahu la yaghfiru adhdhunuba illa anta.

2nd note to self: keep trying.

ps: thanks for the post hasan.

among other things...

2007-12-31T18:29:00.000+08:00

went out with 2nd sis today
had a long to-do list today but had to rule one of them out cause we were pressed for time

i collected my gunshow tanktop. ASS!
..i made it perfectly clear to the fucking woman i do not want her to change the length! i went through a lot of trouble to get hold of a fresh XL RS-gunshow for myself, and i gave her a sample beaters for her to use as reference for the shape and size in general but i already told her DO NOT CHOP OFF THE LENGTH cause i want it to be long

but no. she stencilled out the tank from the bottom of the tee, and voila, i got myself a tiny tanktop. i was pissed and the other lady in the shop asked why didnt i tell her about it then i said i bloody did, and then she said oh she doesnt really understand english

all the bloody tailor kept ranting was "i follow sample! i follow sample! i follow sample!" not a single word of thanks or sorry when i paid. she didnt even look at me.
AND SHE VANDALIZED MY FAVOURITE PAPER BAG! i ASKED her for a goddamn receipt last week as proof i paid for it when i come to collect it today, she said "no need la nvm" then i said wtf "NO, I WANT A RECEIPT!" then she just took a pen and fucking drew out her calculations on my paperbag. GODDDAMMIT.

------

went to eat with sis and her husband, then he left after lunch, and both of us did a quick mani. she painted hers dark red and i just wanted the manicurist to clean up my nails but ended with a French (since this is just temporary anyway). its my first time doing SOMETHING to my nails so it felt quite good (and embarrassing) cause ive super ugly nails. and i smudged the paint at least 5 times. even after it was dry, i chipped it off. in less than 15 minutes, the paint on my thumb already peeled cause i just wasnt used to this. its like putting lipstick and i will have trouble talking properly cause something's on my lips. i just cant get used to these shit. and it took a hell lot of patience to just sit quietly and do nothing but watch cause i didnt get to sit next to my sister.

hers:

mine:

but look, here's the worst one:

dammit! seriously i feel like washing them all off.. i shouldve just opted for normal quick mani and asked them to just buff the nails off or something. but actually ive never seen it look so...clean
i mean ive always got weird looking nails cause im always biting them(the thought of doing that now would be so gross) or peeling them because i was too lazy to find a nail clipper when i'm in the middle of something. it doesnt help either that they're not those strong thick nails, they're so..soft. and irregular shaped. plus my skin at the sides are always peeling and will bleed when i pull them off, the cuticles just always stick out and screaming for me to just rip them off.

i wanted to do pedi but i was afraid i'd injure the girl cause i'm super sensitive to touch and i could just end up kicking her face or slamming up her jaw with my foot and then seamlessly ram her to the wall with my elbow. tsk tsk. i saw how they'd scrub and rub and massage the feet...omg. it was scary. plus, looking at my toenails, they look like the claws of some ancient animal (its not that they're LONG, but...simply hideous). i dont bother maintaining them cause i wear shoes like 99% of the time..plus i dont know how. or more precice, i dont know how to deal or start with such atrociusly dry, unmanageable nails. the lady sitting at the couch next to mine, doing a pedi, has perfectly fine set of toenails. and the staff who was filing them for her was commenting how they're so dry and in extreme need of treatment -_-" goodness. i dont see how you could actually degrade such fine looking nails. at least they look like nails.
seriously, if they were to see MINE.... i think they'd either cry, throw me out of the shop, quit their jobs, try to file the nails with a chainsaw, or, out of pity, ask me to rip them all off and paste on new fake ones.

anyway, last stop, woodlands. for my consultation with the super cute doctor who GIGGLES at his own..punchlines. i'm having plastic surgery right at home. hah. kidding. just something i gotta start working on now. lets hope all of them work (at least in time for something quite important) cause it cost me a fucking huge hole in the pocket. and i'm quite desperate.

and i FINALLY upgraded my psp at the recommended place and got a 4gb stick with free games i chose to put in. that cost me too but i think not insanely expensive if i compare with about other possible game shops. but at least i'm finally gonna use it again. otherwise it kinda suck sticking to one original game cause the ones i like cost up to 70 each tsk tsk.

bought another SK book the other day and have been reading day in day out, i hope i dont finish it fast, i love how reading blocks the rest of the world out.

dear s1

2007-12-31T11:20:00.001+08:00

i'm sorry i made you do it :( you convinced me you could make it and i really thought you could. and i know you just agreed for my sake. so that i'll be happy we could do it together. thank you. and i'm sorry. i'm just so sorry.
i was exhausted beyond my imagination but i've tried, i've tried to stand by my own actions, ive tried to stand by you. no matter what i wont leave you on your own
i know you didnt make it through the night, but i dont know if you made it through the early morning.. and i was finally caught so i just had to..leave without goodbye.
i could never forgive myself, and i'm truly sorry
i'll be praying that thats the first and the last for you to go through.
i will never do it again.
and thats a promise i'll keep.

by ginger foutley (as told by ginger)

2007-12-27T21:47:00.000+08:00

She chose to walk alone, Though others wondered why
Refused to look before her, Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions..No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were
Puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame, That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it said
The story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

fine and dandy

2007-12-27T19:23:00.000+08:00

5 interviews in a day! but the 2nd one (one of top 3 lawfirms) took me in today itself! so i ended not going for the rest
FINALLY its official. guess when a door closes a window really does open
for better things

best of all its in the same building as my 1st sister
she's in an IP lawfirm and i told her i could lunch with her next time so i can save her from her fucking colleagues who's got chicken assholes for mouths and zero manners and are worse than animals! too bad she likes her job more than the environment she's in. i'd have murdered them if i meet them.

work starts next year! (which is in a matter of days)

i've done a good job making this blog sound all happy and nice haven't i?
well well.

fucking pissed

2007-12-26T11:39:00.000+08:00

my nose has been running faster than the kitchen tap and one of the nostril's blocked right up to my eye sockets and i'm breathing nasty flames out of my mouth as i speak. my eyes are tearing and feels heinously hot like they were soaked in kerosene tears that got set aflame and ive got a temperature that could quite possibly fry an egg on my forehead whilst my sneezings could blow the whole estate down.
and what better way to top it all of then the news that just slapped me in the face.and im so bloody upset.
i waited a whole week for the fucking secretary to call me back as soon as the lawyer returns to office so i can sign his fucking contract, she practically coaxed me to take it up, then i took it up and so had to bloody reject the hospital job, i waited a goddamn week and when i finally called she said "oh sorry position's already filled"

well fuck you.

ps: guess who answered my call? the secretary who told me she'll be leaving TWO FUCKING WEEKS AGO.

an airbag saved my life

2007-12-24T23:41:00.000+08:00

i dont know if it's a relapse
but today i woke up as a ghost
but somebody saved me just in time
before any damage was done.

thank you

i had a relapse

2007-12-24T19:05:00.000+08:00

"stood on the edge
tied to a noose
but you came a long
and you cut me loose"

2007-12-23T01:18:00.001+08:00

my crave for a pair of cement jordan IV is simply insatiable i think i might get into fits or something!

wheee

2007-12-23T00:47:00.000+08:00

fantastic day
even the torrential downpours couldnt ruin my day one bit
and another pair to add to the great stack!

<3

i'm not gonna take a pic of it (i'm just gonna smell it. ie: right off the shelf=freshhhhhh)but here's a hint

1) 7y is actually exact fit so im not sure if my toes can breathe (they seem alright when i tried em on)
2) by now you mustve guessed which retro it is. and if you guessed right, then you'll know its not exactly the pair that i put in my favourites list
3) they're letting it go at a steal off the shelf (
PLUS STAFF DISCOUNT ie bf's friend) = CANNOT RESIST
4) when was the last time i bought a fresh pair? = CANNOT RESIST
5) its a gift from the person i love more than anything :)

thats why i said.. lets hope it'll grow on me. hahahaha.
thanks me hearty.

i'm sorry

2007-12-22T12:52:00.000+08:00

" dry your tears
sweetheart, i don't want you to cry anymore
amidst your worry and fears,
please believe that my heart
could never choose to leave.

we've come so far for so long,
how could i throw it all away
we may see it differently
but at the end of the day
its you that i want, above all.

so darling listen to me
how could i ever let you go
i will save this love
and all your tears for me

so darling listen to me
i could never let you go
bring my love with you
wherever you go
cause i'm always yours
forever and always" "

2007-12-21T04:37:00.001+08:00

i stole this and simply threw in that book on the top. i'm too lazy. eh at least i did something on that book ok. even though its recycled. hahaha. its mine and u cant do anything about it.

today meeting me hearty YAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYY

ps: in case u dont know, those are Jordan ONE soles i used.

2007-12-20T17:49:00.001+08:00

oh my god guess who just appeared at my doorstep?!!!!!

and i was in my room, clad in a towel after a good hot bath in this lazy weather, chatting with hayl, and suddenly mum came knocking at my door saying you're here (with those food). all the way from the other end of the world
this time, u really caught me by surprise.

i love you
and i'm sorry too

2007-12-20T15:22:00.001+08:00

dreams always leave me feeling like it really happened
how many times have i said that?
anyway today i woke up with a heavy heart, and i could feel the strain of desperation to look for the person i dreamt about
once again its not a good dream
i mean its not a nightmare but its not exactly a very...good..sort of dream
because..lets just put it this way
in it i had a good time,
but i had the good time, an extremely good time, with someone else.
someone from a recent past.

maybe its because our grounds were shaking
and for a moment i felt like i was going to lose you

ns is really eating me up.

stupid

2007-12-20T01:07:00.000+08:00

because you keep thinking about what you want to have, you forgot what it is that you already have.
you are aware of it, but you forgot how you once felt towards it.
-----------------------------------------

it's like trying to catch a bee that you keep in your garden.
just cause its yours, its not easy to catch it. (unless ur one of those beeman).
if you fight for it, you will be stung
so you try to give all the things it likes, honey and such,
so that it'll come to you.

once that's done, it'll fly off again, because there are other things that it wants too, and then it forgets you.
and you keep trying to find something else to make it stay longer

worse, you get all upset and finally lose patience because what sort of pet wouldnt want to come to its owner who loves it anyway, and so you try to do something potentially self destructive
such as the typical method of crushing ur wristbones, this time against the beehive, hoping it'll come out and see what you're doing to urself
and instead of getting all the bees you want, all of them sting you cause the bees are mad at how you are actually being a complete nuisance,
and in the end,
you never win, you see.
you just never win.

no matter what you do, you lose. even if u dunk the entire beehive into the water, you still lose because in the end, ur stung anyway and the bee wouldnt like u anymore.
so when you got stung too often, that oughtta teach you something.
to just...stop.

backwards and forwards

2007-12-19T17:26:00.000+08:00

i really dont know what to do
i'm straddled between two..situations
i tried to take one but you wont let me
and if i try to take the other, i am only running away
i dont know what to do i really dont

bf keeps asking me why do i always run after something thats running away
and why do i keep trying to be with something that won't stay
well i just have to okay, i just have to
i want to
because this is a part of my life too, the one who stood by me all through the years and when i crashed..
but having recovered suddenly makes me so....stupid
i dont even know what to say or do
to someone who's now on the edge.
someone i love so much but wants me to disappear, and doesnt want to be found.

maybe ive already vanished before i even attempted to.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and no i havent exactly started work yet. i have yet to meet the lawyer to sign the agreement so technically, im still not employed.

and broke.

straddled

2007-12-17T22:48:00.000+08:00

have so much to say. but will be writing in the journal instead. too private, too dangerous, too hostile, too frail, and too painful. will be back on blog when i've taken flight.

1

2007-12-17T17:09:00.000+08:00

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that's exactly what I mean.

I don't know why you love me
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that's why I love you

--

theres just one thing left
that you dont know about.
and i wish you wont have to see it.

2007-12-17T13:46:00.000+08:00

finally! i wont be selling grapes anymore. i hope the "pay" justifies workload.. i was spending some time thinking of what my excuse would be when i want to resign. hahaha. i have to have that ready cause i know its a rare thing that i stay committed to a job, 2 hours after job commencement i am bound to have this thought running "this isnt what im meant to do, this isnt what i want to do, this isnt what i aspired to do, his is just to fill up space" and i'll end up doing things half heartedly and counting days to leave, and my passion to get to where i want will reignite instantly, and suddenly i dont want to work anymore but just study

i know i know, its not a very good..way of thought
but oh well.
i had the most unbelievable weekend
but yesterday was really hard for me to pass.
i hate to know how spending too much time with you makes parting so difficult. :(

anyway pics are all up on multiply, ive got a huge hole in my pocket~
on friday 2nd sis and i went to town at 6+ to hunt for my dad's bday gift
we ate at ramen10 yay and it was her treat (yay)
then i went BC to buy babe a surprise gift. the sale items are at a good low price, but in the end i bought a non-sale item ..and it was worth it anyway. =D

so now ive every reason to start saving up and i better do. i miss buying shoes but i must really just...quit. at least temporarily.

this week me hearty's only away for 3 days (2 nights)! he'll be back on wednesday YAY!

2007-12-17T00:44:00.000+08:00

i hate this feeling. i hate it when you have to go.

retail therapy

2007-12-15T04:39:00.000+08:00

hello, it is 4.38am. i just spent the entire night shopping. hahaha i was doing mad sprees at victoria secret's (http://www2.victoriassecret.com/ ) after a good dose of horror flick marathon. i feel damn good now and nothing in the world can ruin it. (except the thought of being high and dry). but its okay! cause my VS top that i ordered a week ago has arrived. mmmm. freshh. and, i'm getting myself a black gunshow in XL and im gonna do some alterations to it. i hope it works. i'm using the money i earned for doing the flyers. yay!

old love new love

2007-12-14T03:14:00.001+08:00

okay well i suppose this blog deserves a proper update. i just havent been up in spirits enough to think of what to say
its a weird thing though, i used to be able to go on and on when i start typing. my private journal's filled with all sorts of thoughts and detailed updates. i feel myself slowing down and closing up. and also shrinking. well, literally and not.

before i say much about what happened,
here's the thing i really must blog about. i had a weird dream yesterday and the even more weird thing is, i thought it was real. and of all people, i dreamt of my childhood sweetheart! hahahaha. yesssss the person who can still make me turn to plasma just by passing by. or standing like 100m away from me. (bf pls dont kill me when you read this. like you always remind me, its JUST A DREAM.) to think he stays around this estate but i see him only once in a blue moon. a very heart-stopping, earth-shattering, hell-raising blue moon it must be. HAHAHAHA.

i mustve been thinking alot about the bf being away in camp and not calling, that i had a dream where i strayed. not because thats what ive been thinking about, so you can point your finger to the devil if you see him. and even in my dream, i could feel myself swoon. if you check the dictionary, to be precise, swoon is to enter a state of hysterical rapture or ecstasy. hahaha. anyway we were standing in this hallway, i was walking out to the lobby or something like that, and he was coming in instead, and he smiled. amd i just froze and i noticed the rest of the people around us started to vanish, and my peripheral visions were simply of darkness. the light was only shining over us. HAHAHAH. too much tv.

then he asked how i was and that we really should catch up old times, and we exchanged numbers and..god knows what happpened after that. i think i was asking myself what the hell was i doing and if i was actually going to attempt to cheat and what exactly was i going to do. i dont recall much of it now. plus i mustve fainted in the dream.. because the last time he actually smiled at me (in real life) was in 1999 when i was on the way home from school, walking up to my block and so was he. he was right behind, then he called my name just to say Hey and he waved as he walked off. i dont remember anything after that cause i mustve fainted as well. i dont even remember if i actually had the strength to wave back. i think i stood there, frozen and half smiling with all the strength i could muster, and eventually faded. when i came to, i mustve been smiling all the way till the rest of the next day.HAHAHA

the last conversation we had was i think in 1997 or some year in primary school, he was sitting in front of me, and i tapped on his chair. then he turned around and i whispered "I brought my digimon today, you wanna see?" then i secretly showed him that little blue gadget i had in my bag, and saw his face lit up,he got really excited and his eyes would always have this..sparkle, and his smiled that showed his cute little pearly whites that complement his thin lips. hahahha. but somehow we never really got to sit down and play with the digimon together. I mustve fainted after that. haha. his schoolbag was exactly like mine,and i always thought that was super cool cause nobody in school carried that bag. i still keep mine and its still in perfect condition. i stopped using it when i moved on to sec school. oh and the last time i saw him was early this year, i think i wrote about it in my previous blog(or the one before that). on two or three occasions, all occuring on tuesday mornings when i go to school,i'd bump into him in the lrt station and we'll take the lrt and mrt together. but i'll get off first. i took my phone to tell my bestfriend about it and i could hardly press the buttons on it. hahahahaha. the power of turning to plasma. sad thing is we pretended not to know each other even though i try to smile but i will end up turning away if he turns to look at me because my cheeks were too bloody hot for me to control. hahaha

i feel so guilty right now because writing about him is actually making my heart skip a beat. HAHHA oh my god. this does not count as being dishonest or cheating does it? i mean, lets think of it as a fan-&-celebrity-heartthrob sort of thing. that somebody whom you're never gonna have in reality. and that in reality your heart is with someone else. but when you see this celebrity you will just turn to mush because..you're a fan. yes thats right. a fan. i hope that makes enough sense..i'm not going to attempt to find out what to make out of it because it will only make me think of more...hypothetical situations.

it is 3.45am.
today me hearty will be back from his mission and come saturday everything will come to life again.
on wednesday i went for an interview at a lawfirm. then i went to meet sriin, and we caught up. i dont think i've ever talked so much in a short period of time before. and i didnt realize i had so much to say either. and even then, i still felt like there were many things ive yet to tell her. it was really nice meeting her. it makes me realize that i'm not on my own after all. and it gives me a small tug in my heart, to go back to the old schooling days when the two of us shared a diskette filled with all our stories, that we passsed to each other back and forth, even though we were in the same class. but she threw it away when she got married. she threw every single thing of her past when she got married, and she made a completely fresh start. and she made it, all on her own. its just too incredible everytime i think about it. i always thought she's blessed with it all. life, beauty, happiness. most of all, she's blessed with the chance to change and realize what her goal in life really is. Allah really loves her. she's happily married for 2.5 yrs now, and i bet when the time arrives that they have kids, it'll be complete, and she'll probably reach zenith or something. but you know.. this journey never ends.

well thats quite a bit. i hate looking at my blog when its so wordy. so i try to keep them neat in tiny paragraphs.

like this.

but it gets annoying. anyway, there's so much hostility in the air, that i dont even know if its only me who can feel it. but i've made my decision to disappear. and that's just what i'm going to do.

ive been trying to gain the weight i lost. i was browsing through the pictures i took during 2004/5 and i was..a hell lot meatier. in a good way. like, all girls who are happy should be of that size. a happy, healthy size i even went gymming. i weighed close to 60kg (without looking obese) thanks to the the food in TP. but i wasnt even happy back then, when life was shadowed with gloom. and now, for the first time, i'm happy, yet my bf took my finger and thought it was a french fry.
well this is all because of you. you made me lost that 20kg which i cant seem to gain back. i remembered sitting in the cab, on the way to alexandra hospital for an appointment, seeing a psychiatrist to discuss about the trauma you have caused me, and i had the seat belts on but i could actually slip out without much effort. my sister was quite aghast. well i suppose anyone would, when they've seen a ghost.

welp i'm okay now! thanks to my beloved s1. he made me better in the most incredible way. simply by making me feel. and smile a genuine smile. and live simple. and be brave to have my head up once a while and face the world, instead of always looking down onto the ground and shunning away from everything. and i dont believe ive ever encountered all of that before. i didnt even have to go back to the cursed medicines which only gives placebo effects. and i'm meeting him tomorrow YAY!!!!!!!

me hearty,

2007-12-12T15:13:00.000+08:00

pour vous
i know it takes time to load but just..be patient okay. -_-

Click here to watch '031005'

031005 - Get Video Code

very scratchy and messed up synchronization but oh well

<3

2007-12-11T21:57:00.001+08:00

I wouldnt wanna be
Anywhere else but,here
I wouldnt wanna change
Anything at all

I wouldnt wanna take
Everything out on, you
Although I know I do
Everytime I fall

i walk through walls, float down the Liffey

2007-12-10T16:56:00.000+08:00

"in a little while, i'll be gone
moment's already passed.
yes its gone..
i'm not here, this isnt happening"

this time, i really mean it
i'm going to fade and eventually vanish into thin air
you wont see or hear me till..i'm moving on to the next level.

---

cant wait for saturday
its just me hearty and i
and i know he'll help make all this go away.

i feel it in my fingers

2007-12-08T00:52:00.000+08:00

been wanting to show this for a long time
i think everyone mightve already seen it but oh well
and this doesnt mean i dont hate daft punk anymore
the starting is a bit slow by the way
u can forward if you want...till someone starts singing.

and this an old fave (maybe cause chris martin wrote it)
and doesnt the drummer remind you of Warren (Mary's brother in Something About Mary)?

i like when he takes a rest in front of the fan at 3.47 while everyone carries on playing

2007-12-07T18:38:00.000+08:00

it is already 6.50pm and the delivery man has not arrived. the delivery hours are supposed to be 2-6pm. i mean, what if i dont even have a spare litterbox rightnow and my cat's got diarrhoea??? or starving and i just gave her the last serving of Science Diet yesterday!?! The storm should not be the excuse if that's what they're planning to lash me with. And they better arrive within the next half hour otherwise i'm simply going to....to..do something! something bad! to them!

2007-12-07T15:42:00.000+08:00

i'm in a huge dilemma about tomorrow
ever felt like you're at war with yourself?
feels like shit doesnt it?

ok i seriously have no idea how i'm going to go through tomorrow
but i hope i get to meet aishah next weeek.
and its her belated birthday bash tomorrow, have i mentioned? and i dont even know if i can make it there.

overhaul

2007-12-07T00:31:00.000+08:00

sometimes i feel like just..running away
running away like a defeated coward

i'm on the verge of calling it quits, because i cannot put up with a lingering, stringing..bond. that carries unspeakable values, but seems to be leading us to no where

i have tried to kepe up with it, be present for it at all times, be AROUND.. just..simply BE. as how i'm supposed to be. since i'm a part of it. but, hayl's right. it takes two hands to clap and most of the time the other's...not that much alive.

i wish babe's here for me to talk about it. the only person who truly knows it without even me having to say what i really feel about any particular issue.

anyway i've made up my mind. i'm not letting go neither am i sticking around
i'm tired. believe me i've tried my best to understand but it gets exhausting when you have to keep a part of you almost unknown just because..you just..can't know.
and i know i've put up with it for almost a decade. but sometimes, when people ask, i find myself completely blank for an answer. because i feel like i'm in denial about it.

i'm just letting everything free
honestly...i feel like i'm chasing shadows. standing by for you impending calamity and nothing more (thats if you even speak of it)
i dream of sharing, i dream of the good old
but i suppose they're total passe.

i'm only holding onto one
one that's around even though not physically
but at least makes sure that i know its around even in spirit
and i dont need to run for it, i dont need to be in deep shit to have it come to me in attempt to know whats wrong
through all joys and sorrows
i know i'll have it
so thats the only one i'll keep.

down in the dumps

2007-12-06T21:24:00.000+08:00

thats where ive been
counting down hours minutes and seconds till saturday arrives
at the moment, not a single ray of light has shone at this corner where i'm standing

trees fall, and so do men

2007-12-05T03:53:00.000+08:00

We could talk if days weren't so fast
And mistakes just leave it so unsure
Wanna hold you like never before
Cause we're falling and I love you more and more~

XXIV

2007-12-03T02:51:00.000+08:00

i miss you ;(

happy 26th..

2007-12-01T23:57:00.000+08:00

one of the most loneliest point in my life
and actually thats literal
you know it just sucks you up

anyway, will be writing in my journal for a while
will be back on blogging soon
when the i feel better

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

2007-11-28T23:46:00.000+08:00

today, it happened. but it didnt work out
worst fact, there was more biting
like being gnawed on by your own pet

so now i think i cant give a bloody damn
thank god for the only person in the world
who has truly listened and fully understood and seen the crystal clear injustice
because he made me feel that its okay
its okay because
i dont have to keep with me what wont stay
i dont have to keep pulling what wont follow
i dont have to keep trying to make everyone see something that they have been permanently blinded from

it doesnt matter if i lose
i remembered the bestfriend saying this four years ago
"i dont want to lose triumphantly
but i'd rather lose graciously"
well i may have lost now
lost it all just because of You
but i havent lost one thing
the very thing that you hate because you do not have your own
and the very thing that has kept me alive and kicking

Somewhere in your fantasized, phoney planet
you'll one day hit the wall so hard
the bricks will come falling down on you
and all the people you took with you

yes i may have only one thing left with me
but at least i know
its real
and its presence fills my life thousand times more than that of each of you
and that it will never go away.

2007-11-27T23:55:00.000+08:00

very very brief update. roughly, the past recent events:

friday i celebrated my non-deserved post-exam triumph by fetching me hearty and got him his favourite milk tea (ahem in my fresh-out-of-the-package VS top) speaking of which, i just ordered another top today
the feeling i get when i see his smiley face as he runs out the gate towards me is simply priceless :)

saturday we went out. an extremely long-awaited outing
there were so many things we wanted to do i didnt even know where to start
so we just had a total pigout at his fave seoul garden, my treat for him being a total gem for the past few months of putting up with our "no-shopping-but-accompany-me-study" meetups. went shopping for formal clothes big whoop
spent about 200 in just a day (and thats only referring to saturday) and i dont think i can even afford another meal
ive been using my secret savings money which isnt supposed to be touched
i'm doomed
havent been getting any allowance cause dad's job is starting to..take a rest once in a while
he's getting old and his new boss's a complete selfish twit

bebe bought me a purple elephant water dispenser at the spur of the moment, in attempt to make me drink mineral water for once (and i assume for as long as i live). till now i've yet to fill it up with anything. maybe i could fill it up with icecream soda or 7up. then fill up a glass of it and everyone will think i'm drinking plain water

but saturday was amazing i doubt words could do justice

but thankfully he books in late on monday (advanced off in-lieu. this weekend he's taken by them. those bastards.)
so he spent his last off day accompanying me through 3 interviews at 3 different places
you can see it all on multiply
and he surprised me with 7 incredible donuts
its the first donut ive ever eaten since the last Dunk'n donuts in sg closed thousand years ago
he appeared with that in hand n a cheeky face
it was sweet (literally and not) that i forgot about my screaming toes and the fucking heels
why cant we wear sneakers to interviews? dammit

i went to submit my psych application (hope either one goes well)
the weather kept playing tricks on us, and so did cab drivers
but i was so happy all day long (besides my crying feet since i was wearing heels), you cant imagine
we went to his sister's house where we watched the wedding dvd that absolutely took my breath away
i almost had to hold back my tears, it was seriously that amazing
it beats all the dream wedding ive ever had
haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~~~~~

i'm in a dilemma regarding one of the job that ive sort of, partially clinched

anyway i just found out my cat loves Animal Planet. she even gets up from her sleeping spot just to sit right on the coffee table (thats in the middle of the room) in front of the tv and blocking everyone's view. kidding. she's hardly that big.

tomorrow i'm going to register myself at bbdc. YES! i finally AM. i hope i dont postpone it for the thousandth time since 2004/5.

thats all for the update.
the only thing i must end this entry off with is,
nothing has pieced back. we have fallen apart, and so far i'm moving on well without yous
and 2ndly, i'm fucking broke. i better get a (wellpaying) job by end of this week.

cloud 9

2007-11-26T21:55:00.001+08:00

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm going sleep smiling tonight
my heart's dancing and twirling through the day, night and even in sleep

2007-11-22T11:26:00.000+08:00

i think my contact lenses are my super lucky pair
you know i used to have a lucky pair of socks, lucky teeshirt, lucky everything
hahaha
i know i know
but its just for my own solitary comfort hokay

i hate wearing lenses to my exams cause i'm already looking all weary and worn from sleepless nights
and the lenses get so dry i gotta blink to clear my vision
and i've astig which is not corrected by this particular pair of lenses so there's some inevitable blurness and all this gives me a headache when i'm trying do solve what seemed like papers of impossible questions
so 99% of the time i wore my specs
but on the 2-3 occasions when i wore my lenses
the paper would seem..well, doable. tough but still doable, y'know
whereas most of the other (more comfortable) bespectacled times, the papers turn out to be so depressing

i know its just me not studying all along
and its a pure coincidence that the papers turn out so-so on the days i decide to wear contacts
but oh hell.

yay another lucky thing to keep

last paper today. i'm not screaming cause game's not over by the way (but i might deserve a 48hour nap). i feel like i could implode thinking about results and the possibility of pursuing further studies the way that i want

ps: monday ive got 3 interviews
2 executive positions and one in healthcare
hope one of them goes well cause the pay's not too bad
plus its tiring jobhunting

summer slipped away

2007-11-19T23:43:00.000+08:00

today's the worst day in the world
and i think it couldve gotten worse if it hadnt been for us going to my 2nd sister's house to see martin and wafiy cause after that my i felt coccooned

today's paper is the one and only paper i've been putting all my hopes on
to score with flying colours and armadillos (as sirap would say)
to save the total score for this particular subject
i cannot believe it is my favourite subject and yet it's the hardest one by far
okay okay its not that hard but its just that i didnt really sleep last 2 nights memorizing my ass off, and not even a single thing from it was tested
i guess doing this within less than 9 months really is a pure joke.

the same thing happened for its first paper
now i'm more than convinced that the results WILL turn out like hot coke
and i doubt my diploma could back me up if i were to choose plan B

i really really, desperately, with every fibre of my soul, want to get to yong loo lin
and i was hoping that Duke's or sgh will be my last resort (if i do stand a chance)
i dont care, really..
as long as i get there.

one more paper to go. yeah well as if it will actually make ANY difference.

ive already started my jobhunting
if only i could work within the same firm as my bfieu, that would be so...wow.
dreamlike. its like i just reversed 5 years and we're seeing each other everyday again.

i sound a lot better today, i know
even though i almost fell apart this morning after the most depressing paper
but yeah. i'm doing better with this recovery
i just steeled myself from you you and you.
and i suppose this is what they call
comfortably numb

cant wait for saturday
thousand plans up my sleeves with me hearty. <3

you'll do well, and i'll be fine.

2007-11-18T21:26:00.000+08:00

something very strange is happening to my body
i suppose the lack of sleep and the immense pressure i've been fighting against
could be the cause
but its so strange that it's starting to make me worried
i just hope its nothing. honestly.

one more week to go before i restore myself completely
at this moment i'm blocking it all out
and its not even going to be within an arm's length

meeting bebe yesterday actually (sort of) convinced me things will be ok, that what i'm doing is right.
after all, there's no more risk left to take (besides this exam i'm sitting for)
that leaving it all behind is just what i should do
i showed him the email to fill him up with what's been going on and i suppose
looking at his reaction made me just wonder why do i give it all to the seemingly wrong people
and at the same time, be glad that at least there's one real thing standing before me

i actually backed fang up cause..well god knows
even that, he corrected me
it was rather logical so i had nothing to counter

somehow yesterday, the day i'd been waiting for all week for the push i've been needing
gave me just what i was looking for (even though i said it wasnt enough in prev post)
but well, he cleared the overcast and shifted focus and now i can see it rationally
and most of all, i feel rescued

now ive got 3 more hours to mug on for a heavy paper tomorrow
better snap out of this funk and get my ass to work

ps:
so why dont you go your way
and i'll go mine
live your life, and i'll live mine
you'll do well and i'll be fine
cause we're (probably) better off
separated.

pps: Victoria Secret package part 1 has arrived. 1 more package pending.
ppps: hariz martin:-
more at the multiply